"Eventually, you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is."
It is written that one is born out of love, by love, for love!
What a marvelous saying, yet how many truly feel this way? Some are blessed to have loving parents and some simply don't have loving parents. They are no different from orphans. A woman confessed to Dr Phil that she needed help before she does something irreversible to her daughter, because she hates her. The show was about mothers who hate their daughters. They are known to be narcissistic.
Dr Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D, writes;
“There is a theme that runs through responses that I receive from children of a narcissistic parent(s). The child is subjected to unbearable levels of ongoing abuse–scalding criticisms, withering humiliations in front of other family members and alone, routine secret physical beatings and other horrendous acts of brutality including psychological and literal abandonment. When the child lets family members know what is happening to him, this person is not believed. When the victim of a narcissist tells the truth about his dreadful pathological parent, he is not treated with kindness or understanding. The family is shocked; the victim is treated with disdain and often told he/she is the sick one or that this is all lies to get attention. The narcissistic mother or father gets a complete pass. A masterful coverup takes place and remains ongoing. The child victims become family pariahs. Often the suggestion is whispered that they belong in a psychiatric institution or are in need of intensive psychotherapy.”
Will there ever be family unity and togetherness under these circumstances?
The writer informs us that;
"Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants. The golden child has to be cared for assiduously by everyone in the family. The scapegoat has no needs and instead gets to do the caring. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault. This creates divisions between the children, one of whom has a large investment in the mother being wise and wonderful, and the other(s) who hate her. That division will be fostered by the narcissist with lies and with blatantly unfair and favoritizing behavior. The golden child will defend the mother and indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother’s actions. The golden child may also directly take on the narcissistic mother’s tasks by physically abusing the scapegoat so the narcissistic mother doesn’t have to do that herself."
This is the reason education is so powerful. One is able to learn and be enlightened about things they wouldn't usually care to know about. Education can save many lives since it brings us the gift of truth and clarity into the heart of things as they are, things for our well being that we know absolutely nothing about. Reading creates a treasure within us that values awareness and enlightenment through many messengers who have been sent to teach us and show us the way.
In the midst of pitch black darkness one finds a rainbow in the sky thus comfort, because love wins. Love breaks through despair and plants seeds of hope when one listens to grandfather Mandela words, which speak in volumes about the soul and spirit of motherhood. Our spiritual guides, strengthened by the sheer force of nature since ancient times.
"I had mothers who were very supportive and regarded me as their son, not as their stepson or half-son, as you would say in the culture amongst whites. They were mothers in the proper sense of the word."
Grandfather is referring to his father's other wives. His father was a polygamist.
So it is true in Oprah's words that;
"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother."
One continues to learn so much from you grandfather. You are a stream of life giving waters, who's water never dry out. Your words are as relevant today as they were yesterday. You are a healer because you know and understand from experience things that's others know nothing about. You continued to bless us with your truth no matter how painful it is.
You're an irreplaceable gift that reigns supreme eternally. By the grace of God I'm here in conversation with you once again, because I need it and it just can't be any other way.
King of Xhosas, King Xolilizwe Sigcau
Isithwala Ndwe Selizwe
Ukhazimla okwelanga elitak'intlantsi likhuph' intlanzi emanzini Dalibhunga
You stand tall and graceful as the knowing sage ongazange oyiswe ngokoyiswa
Uthe wakuphosa amehlo akho eluntwini wabona iinde lendlela
Waba nguTata oosikwa yimfesane usindwa lusizi lodwa xa ubona imeko iintsana eziphila kuyo
Akuzange ube uthetha koko wenza iintoo ezibonakalayo
What could be better than this?
Uyimvuze mvuze ngobubele
Unenceba YeNkosi, UQamata
Usibonise imimangaliso yodwa Ngobomi bakho
Usifundisile yonke imithetho
Ngokuba amazwi nemiyolelo yEnkosi uThix'u SoMandla ibhalwe entliziyweni yakho
"Bayekeni bona baze kum ningaba thinti ngokuba ubukumkani bu kaThixo bobabo!"
Watyiswa iinkobe zothando
Watyilela iimfihlelo zakwantu
Ngokuba uQamata wayolela
Izinyanya zalaph' ekhapha
"But you, Bethlehem, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times."
INkosi ehleli ngamandla onke
Nobukhalipa yawafezekisa amazwi ayo
Ngokuba athi akuthunywa
Nyani sayibona inkokheli yethu
Ithe ncothu egadeni
And what about that smile
That lights up our Universe
Golden, awesome, beautiful
Father Chrismas oleqwa nazintsana
Zifuna nje olathando olathando olathando mhhhh
Umthetho wawubamba kwade kwasekugqibeleni
Usithande sonke isizwe sakwantu
Wathanda izizwe ngezizwe
Lonk' uluntu lukhala ngawe
Ngokuba bafumene inyaniso
Ngokuba ungazenza zonke izinto
Kodwa kungekho thando
Uchithe nje ngexesha lakho
Tatomkhulu abantwana bakhalile, Bazila mhla wasishiya ngomzimba
Usiya ekhayeni lakho lokugqibela
Kodwa bekwazi ezintliyweni zabo
Ngokuba uthethe the language of love that is all encompassing and inclusive
The language spoken by angels
That children know best
Abantwana bakhalile kuba Ububathuthuzela imiphefumlo yabo
Nje ngobukho bakho
Yinto enkulu kakhulu leyo
Isipho esimangalisayo saphezulu
Akuzange ukhethe bani
Usakhile xa sisonke
Ngokuba uyazi ukuba umntu Ngumfanekiso weNkosi
Tatomkhulu kungoko sisakhala ngawe
Izizwe zonke zisakhala ngawe
Sizibonile zilapha ekhapha
Zizokukhapha ixhego lethu
Kumsitho owawungcwalisekile ngokungathethekiyo
Umsitho ongasoze ulitywalwe nangubanina emhlabeni
Ngokuba ibingumsitho woTata owakhethwa yiNkosi phambi kokuba abe sembelekweni
The love you give us is sweeter than honey
Tatomkhulu akusikhethanga even kwabakho abantwana,
Who are your flesh and blood
Ubunzima nibuvile kodwa you did not change
You continued to cherish all people
Regardless of the challenges you faced in your own personal life.
Your daughter Maki shares with us something truly beautiful that makes one smile, it lights up the heart;
"When I was eight and he was in hiding, we used to walk together through the forest and we were close, we talked and were silent together, and it’s a good memory."
Its extra ordinary human beings
With far deeper love
Christ like love
Who continue to be so selfless even when things are hard
We have many human beings who fought hard during apartheid
But we've also seen their weaknesses
Corruption seduced them
We've seen them seeking glory on earth
Forgetting that it is useless to be famous if one looses his soul
What makes you great tatomkhulu is that in your heart of hearts you were crystal clear that you were the servant of the people and nothing and nothing was going to change that!
This is the teaching of Christ
For only true servants can be great
You say its grandfather Sisulu who made you understand that you were called to be the servant of the people
You did it so so beautifully
Usifundisile that a human being must do what God has called them to do
However challenging it may be at times
Therefore we will die doing what we do best
Than fall under the trap of hateful human beings who don't want to see God Glorified through our God Given Talents
Thank You for your truth Tatomkhulu
Thank You for being bold and majestic even when you felt fearful at times.
"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."
This letter that you wrote to your lovely daughters (Zindzi and Zeni) is a letter written to children everywhere on our beautiful Planet Earth.
It is more than 8 years since I last saw you, and just over 12 months since Mummy was suddenly taken away from you.
Last year I wrote you 2 letters- one on the 23rd June and the other on Rrd August. I now know that you never received them. As both of you are still under 18, and as you are not allowed to visit me until you reach that age, writing letters is the only means I have of keeping in touch with you...The mere fact of writing down my thoughts and expressing my feelings gives me a measure of pleasure and satisfaction...
...I last saw our brave and beloved Mummy in December 1968. She was arrested on the 12th May last year about two weeks before she was due to visit me. Her visits brought me joy and inspiration and I always looked forward to them. I must confess that I miss her very badly. I also miss you, darlings, and hope you will be able to write me long and nice letters in which you tell me everything about yourselves...
I have in my cell the lovely photo that you took during the 1968 Christmas, with the Orlando West High School in the background. I also have the family photo which Mummy sent in March 1968. They make it somewhat easy for me to endure the loneliness of a prison cell and provide me with something to cheer and inspire me everyday...Perhaps one day, many years from now, Mummy will return, and maybe it will then be possible for her to arrange for me to have the little things that are precious to my heart...
The dream of every family is to be able to live together happily in a quiet and peaceful home where parents will have the opportunity of bringing up the children in the best possible way, of guiding and helping them in choosing careers and of giving them the love and care which will develop in them a feeling of security and self-confidence. Today our family has been scattered; Mummy and Daddy are in jail and you live like orphans. We should like you to know that these ups and downs have deepened our love for you. We are confident that one day our dreams will come true: we will be able to live together and enjoy all the sweet things that we are missing at present.
Tons and tons of love, my darlings
I love the entire letter grandfather, especially the last part where you speak about the dream that each family should be blessed to live, yet we learn that in some families children suffer a great deal.
The writer says;
"The childhood of a person raised by a narcissistic parent is all kinds of horrible. The narcissist parent does not recognize the child as a separate human—but either an extension of self, an Echo, a mirror, an object, or a servant."
I heard Dr Phil saying that unless a mother comes from a place of love, nothing will work.
The writer enlightens us even more about this situation. She says;
"The childhood of a narcissistic parent is a brutal one. And, unfortunately, due to the amount of psychological manipulation and abuse that the child is conditioned to accept, the abuse of the narcissistic parent often extends far into adulthood."
I'm grateful to have come across these amazing pieces of writing. Perhaps when we know which steps to follow to a healthier way of life that energy becomes a blessing to humanity at large. I'm no different from any human being who feels deeply wounded and doing the best they can do to heal and come to a place of peace and well being. May the burdens be uplifted every time we encounter hope, peace and deep rooted love.
Jesus taught us that, the truth sets us free. So when we learn more of this truth that the writer illustrates so beautifully about narcistic mothers; perhaps the hidden scars of abuse begin to vanish, thus we give way to something new, beautiful and healthy! We give birth to the life we were created to live.
The writer goes deeper;
"There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.
She rarely says right out that she thinks you’re inadequate. Instead, any time that you tell her you’ve done something good, she counters with something your sibling did that was better or she simply ignores you or she hears you out without saying anything, then in a short time does something cruel to you so you understand not to get above yourself. She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect (refusing to let you borrow the car to go to the awards ceremony) by enough time that someone who didn’t live through her abuse would never believe the connection.
Many of her putdowns are simply by comparison. She’ll talk about how wonderful someone else is or what a wonderful job they did on something you’ve also done or how highly she thinks of them. The contrast is left up to you. She has let you know that you’re no good without saying a word. She’ll spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice that conveys how unhappy she is, again, completely deniably. It is impossible to confront someone over their tone of voice, their demeanor or they way they look at you, but once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word. As a result, you’re always afraid, always in the wrong, and can never exactly put your finger on why.
Because her abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because she is careful to rationalize her abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about her. She’s also careful about when and how she engages in her abuses. She’s very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers (“Don’t wash our dirty laundry in public!”) and will punish you for telling anyone else what she’s done. The times and locations of her worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see her bad behavior, and she will seem like a completely different person in public. She’ll slam you to other people, but will always embed her devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding (“I feel so sorry for poor Cynthia. She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don’t know what I can do for her!”) As a consequence the children of narcissists universally report that no one believes them (“I have to tell you that she always talks about YOU in the most caring way!). Unfortunately therapists, given the deniable actions of the narcissist and eager to defend a fellow parent, will often jump to the narcissist’s defense as well, reinforcing your sense of isolation and helplessness (“I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that!”)"
Maya Angelou says when you know better you do better.
God's marvelous healing and blessings upon our lives. May the Grace of God be with us forever more. May He lift us up when we feel no strength to continue.